Pride In Your Marriage: Signs You’re Struggling

Pride existing in your marriage is inevitable. While we are here on earth living with frail bodies and fleshly instincts, that will not change. What can change is identifying the signs that pride exists in your marriage, and allowing the Holy Spirit to grow you in key areas.

As long as two sinful people living together, there will be a struggle against prideful tendencies. But sometimes this reality gives way to excuses and complacency (“No one is perfect, right?”), and attitudes and actions that should never exist are becoming more and more common.

Is pride in your marriage throttling God’s best in your marriage?  Consider these characteristics of the prideful person in a marriage:

You demonstrate a lack of Scriptural wisdom.

This person is not absorbed in God’s Word and is not making Scripture mesh with life (which is what wisdom is in Proverbs).  They talk a lot about God and spiritual things, but there’s little personal spiritual traction in their life.  They are not finding themselves daily in God’s Word and allowing the Word to transform them.  They acknowledge God but deny His power personally in their lives (2 Tim. 3:5).

When pride comes, then comes disgrace,  but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

The solution?  Humble yourself before the Lord as you study His Word.  Fill your mind with the Scriptures not for knowledge, but so you can be humbled and transformed.

You’re self-absorbed, and you don’t know it.

This is the puffed up, self-absorbed, arrogant spirit that is primarily concerned about making their spouse change, or masks their desire for their mate to change by touting how much they have changed with hopes their spouse will get the message.  This is the person who is so quick to point out the specks in other eyes, they don’t see the tree sticking out of their own (Mt. 7:3).  This person thinks they have very little to change in their own lives, but can think of a long list of things that need to change with other people.  This person is ignorant of how much of God’s grace is actually required for them to even take their next breath.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Prov. 16:18

The proud and arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name— behaves with insolent fury. Prov. 21:24.

The solution?  Do a personal spiritual assessment, where you pray through passages like 2 Peter 1:5-9 and Galatians 5:22-23.  Don’t see others as you read these texts – see you, and ask God to point out the blind spots in your life, or to use someone you know to do it.

You’ve become unconcerned about your posture towards God.

This is the spouse who doesn’t realize their need for submissiveness before God, and are unaware of their lowliness before God.  They see themselves as agents of God to point out lots of other problems but are not humble enough to see their own wretchedness.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:10

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:5,6.

The solution?  Bow down before God…literally, and realize how small you are and how great He is.  Submit your heart and your life to God, and re-commit to submitting to His Lordship.

You resort to come backs and harsh, unsympathetic words.

When in conflict, or when feeling inferior, your recourse is to put your spouse in their “place”.  The only way to protect your status or the persona you have created in your mind of who you are is to ensure everyone is just a little lower than you.  You’ve become a master of using certain words that are just belittling enough but maybe not abusive (at least that’s what you’ve convinced yourself of).

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8,9

The solution?  Focus on where these words are coming from in your heart.  Is there a deep wound from your past that has never been healed, and there is resulting bitterness and anger?

You focus on visible blemishes more than the state of the heart.

There are certain things about your spouse that you can no longer stomach: their cosmetics, weight, clothing, height, and you begin making comparisons to other spouses (if not out loud, then definitely in your heart).  You care more about them fitting into your “mold” of what a spouse should be instead of being passionate about their conformity to Christ.  In fact, you can’t remember the last time you thought their spiritual development and how you can help them progress in Christ. This the epitome of pride in your marriage.

We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 2 Cor. 5:12.

The solution?  Can you truly love your spouse in his/her current state?  Why or why not?  Be honest: would you love them more if they could shave off 25 pounds or took up running like other guys you know?  This is not Ephesians 5 husband/wife unconditional love.  Love your spouse the way that God loves His children: no strings attached.

You are boastful about your accomplishments.

When in a corner, you are quick to point out how great you are and how much more accomplished you are than your spouse.  When your spouse points out something about you that needs to change, you quickly point out something about them that needs to change.  You remind them about how much you know about God and how much Scripture you know. This is a subtle way pride expresses itself in your marriage.

“For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.” 1 John 2:16

 The solution?  Celebrate your spouse and his/her accomplishments.  Don’t be threatened when they’re growing or learning.  Encourage their growth and become their biggest spiritual cheerleader.  Pray that you will grow together in your pursuit of Jesus.

You Hide Your Sin.

Sin is never discussed.  Grace is never in need.  All is good and nearing perfection.  There is nothing to grow in.  All is a façade of rainbows and gumdrops.  But behind the façade are two people desperately in need of honesty and reality.

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Prov. 28:13.

The solution?  Admit that you desperately need God’s grace and that there are areas of your life that need to change that you have no clue even exist.  Pray that the Holy Spirit will use His Word in your heart to point out secret faults, and when He convicts you, don’t ignore Him…immediately submit yourself and be eager to change.

 Every married couple can identify with one or more of these items at different points in their marriage.  But about you – and what about now?  Which of these can you see in your own life?  Would you be willing to humble your heart and ask God to help you grow (and maybe ask your spouse for forgiveness?).  There is great opportunity in every marriage to embrace humility and reject pride!

Scott Foreman is the Executive Pastor at Fellowship Bible Church in Mullica Hill, New Jersey.  He has been active in full-time vocational ministry for almost 20 years as a Camp Director, Radio Host, Missionary and now Executive Pastor.  You can follow him here at The Ministry Dad, and also on Twitter: @scottdforeman.