Marital turbulence, like airline turbulence, is guaranteed to happen. But when it does, it can be easy to look around for reasons. But husbands should first look at themselves as to what’s driving the difficulties.
From years of ministry and many interactions with many married coupled over the years (and from my own, personal experience as a married man), I want to make a difficult declaration:
Marital problems are almost always because of the husband’s lack of spiritual leadership and spiritual maturity.
Of course, there are exceptions to this. But based on my observations, this is what is typically true: problems arise when men stop growing and leading.
Leadership: It could mean the husband is just learning as to what leadership in the homes means. It could mean the husband simply is not interested in guiding or providing spiritual direction. It doesn’t necessarily mean he does not have the ‘stuff’ to lead – it could simply mean he hasn’t developed the skill set to lead in life or in the home.
Maturity: It could mean overall spiritual immaturity. It could mean immaturity in ‘X’ area. It could mean a pride that exists that creates a false perception of actual maturity.
But just from observation, when there is a problem in the home, it almost always can be traced back to the husband’s lack of spiritual leadership and spiritual maturity. This can be evidenced in things like:
- The Lord and spiritual growth are not central to the marriage
- There is no help or accountability for the wife from the husband in her relationship with the Lord
- Personal time in the Word for the husband is treated as optional, not essential
- There is not leading in spiritual disciplines, or service in the church
- There is no encouragement from the husband for the wife to be mentored by other women
As men, we have to humble our hearts and recognize that our pride is often the reason there’s hiccups or full-blown wars in our marriage. We like to do things our way, not God’s way. In a Christian marriage, when we refuse to do things God’s way, we always run into complications. On-going, nagging problems in your relationship with your spouse? Guys, the place to begin is with you. What are you not doing that God has asked, commanded, you to do in your marriage?
Can I make a few suggestions to husbands?
Embrace Your God-Given Role
Leadership vacuum’s always get filled. It will be filled by one of the spouses, one of the kids, or an in-law. Who is supposed to be leading the family? Parents. And more specifically: husbands. This does not mean men or more capable or more gifted – it just simply means in the domestic structure God ordained the husband as the leader:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Eph. 5:22.
This submission does not mean that wife suddenly becomes the slave of her husband at the moment of marriage. It just means there is God-ordained structure and order. In churches, but also in general, God wants order, not chaos.
I’ll be blunt: rejecting your role as a leader in the home is disobedience. Disobedience slows down our spiritual growth and causes all types of relational dysfunction.
“Spiritual maturity is not reached by the passing of the years, but by obedience to the will of God. Some people mature into an understanding of God’s will more quickly than others because they obey more readily; they more readily sacrifice the life of nature to the will of God.” – Oswald Chambers
Action Step: consider your role as leader, and your embracing of that role. Are you willing to get help growing in your understanding of God’s domestic order?
Read the Manual
It’s tragic: most men do not spend systematic, planned out and enriching time in the Scriptures. I realize it’s probably considered cliché to say we need to be in the Word, but based on my experience in ministry, many marriages run into problems because the husbands has stopped spending regular time in the Scriptures. This is akin to sitting in the pilot’s seat of a 747 with a refusal to get training or absorbing yourself in the manual. How is it we as men believe we can go about God’s work of leading homes, and being Jesus in our homes, without taking the time to understand God’s plan or learning more about the life of Christ?
The reason guys don’t spend time in the Word? Pride. We believe we can go at it alone. We don’t need someone to tell us how to do it. How sinful and arrogant of us. We need to understand God through the Word. We need to understand our redemption through the Word. We need to understand the truth of the gospel through the Word. We need to understand Jesus’ power of grace and truth through the Word. These things can’t be learned by staring at the clouds and having deep thoughts. It happens as we spend time with God through the Scriptures.
“The Bible is the divine means of developing spiritual maturity. There is no other way.” ~ Howard G. Hendricks
Action Step: to begin, take 15 minutes every day to better understand God and His plan. Pick a book of the Bible, read 4-5 verses, look for the meaning of the text, and consider some application points. Start with a book like Ephesians or 2 Timothy. Get into the habit of doing this everyday.
Enlist Help
The man that is flying solo in his journey is in dangerous territory. You need a wing-man, someone that is there with you and watching your back. This person is not responsible for your spiritual decisions/direction, but they can help you to see blind spots and encourage you along the way.
From the book of Acts through Jude, there are 48 instances of “one another”. This is significant, and points to the fact that a ‘solo’ mentality to the Christian life is not God’s plan. We are to live in community with other believers. In community we have the blessing of transparency, but also the opportunity to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal. 6:2).
Action Step: Don’t have community in your life? Get plugged into a group in your church. This can be a small group or men’s group. In that group build some relationships and begin to promote transparency. Ask for prayer and encouragement.
Conclusion
I’ll restate the premise of this post:
Marital problems are almost always because of the husband’s lack of spiritual leadership and spiritual maturity.
Good news…this is reversible when husbands:
Embrace Your God-Mandated Role
Read the Manual
Enlist Help
Scott Foreman, the Ministry Dad, is the Executive Pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Mullica Hill, N.J.