As Lisa and Colin’s marriage moved on in years – so did their ability to communicate. Sometimes their communication was good, and sometimes it was filled with double-meanings, sarcasm and passive aggressiveness. They were getting more carefree and open with each other, but instead of treating each other as the most important person in their life, they were starting to communicate more like they were siblings.
This was clearly not God’s will for their communication as husband and wife.
In Ephesians 4, God gives guidance on how Christianity is intended to look radically different from the unsaved world. This is because of the energizing power of the gospel which Paul clearly explained in Ephesians 1-3. One of the ways our conduct is different from the world is seen in our speech. Paul lays out three principles on what a believer’s speech is to sound like. Three truths that desperately need to make their way into our marriages.
Our Speech is to be True
“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” Ephesians 4:25
We’re commanded to do 2 things in this verse: put away lies and proactively speak the truth. Both are different, and both are necessary. Sometimes we fail to recognize that not lying is simply not enough – we need to be speaking the truth. Many marriages are immature in this area. We must be willing to have honest, transparent conversations with our spouses.
Does your relationship have enough trust in it that it can weather a truthful conversation? If you give the impression to your spouse that your relationship cannot, they may be reluctant to speak the truth to you. The truth can sometimes be difficult to hear, but truthful communication is much better than silent thoughts that need to be spoken but never make their way out.
Our Speech is to be Necessary for Edification
“ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
The word for “corrupting” means “bad, rotten, worthless”. It was used of Jesus in Matthew 7:17-18 to refer to rotten fruit. We’re to use words that are “good” that can be used to build up (not tear down) – words that give grace. It can be easy to use rotten words, but it takes the power of the Holy Spirit to use words that build up and give grace.
Anytime a word is designed to build up in the need of the moment so that someone can receive grace, that word is necessary. But be careful – this isn’t just about saying words that you believe you spouse needs to hear (“I said it because you needed to hear it”). This is about necessary words for the purpose of building up. Many a word has been spoken in a marriage that was not intended to build someone up, and towards Christlikeness. If a word is not giving grace, it’s likely not necessary. Even tough words can be surrounded by and filled with grace:
“Honey, I know you meant well, but your tone with Chip this morning was a little harsh. Maybe you were a little defensive? What do you think?”
“Honey, I know you haven’t worked out this week, and you’ve asked me to encourage you to keep going – so I want to encourage you to keep going in your fitness goals. You have been doing so well and I know this week can be so much better.”
Our Speech is to be Kind, Tenderhearted and Forgiving
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
We’re to use kind, tenderhearted and forgiving words. We’re to use the same standards of forgiveness with others that God uses with us. We’re not to be bitter or demonstrate anger towards our spouses (Eph.4:31).
Often times our speech does can be anything but kind. We can become harsh and derogatory. We can start to only point out things that are going wrong instead of using kind words with things that are done right.
Even the most difficult words can be said with kindness. When we’re being tenderhearted and having forgiving attitudes it does impact our speech. But when we’re harboring bitterness and not treating our spouse the way that God treats us, we start to be angry and resentful.
In your marriage, remember the words Kind, Necessary and True (KNT), and start to discipline your words to run everything through the funnel of KNT. You’ll start to notice a difference in your marriage communication with days.
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Scott D. Foreman is the Executive Pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Mullica Hill, New Jersey. He and his wife Rachel have the joy active participation in church ministry, but also to their four teen age sons.