“This Isn’t That Great” – Working through Marital Expectations and Disappointments

Have you ever said in any area of life: “This is not what I was expecting!”  You’ve heard that before and you’ve undoubtedly said it yourself.  There were probably dozens of times in your life where you had an expectation of something to happen, but it didn’t really happen the way you expected it to. Dealing with marital expectations and disappointment is one area that consistently gets brought up with couples I have spoken to over the years.

We’ve all been there in many life scenarios – we were expecting ‘X’ to happen and we got ‘Y’.  This can be an easy thing to overcome when we’re talking about trivial things like appointments or sports outcomes.  But in the bigger things in life, when ‘X’ doesn’t happen because we got ‘Y’ – it can be devastating – particularly when we go into something believing that ‘X’ is 100% going to be the outcome, and at the beginning, it really looks like ‘X’ is the outcome, but as time goes on it becomes painfully obvious that ‘X’ is not going to happen.

For many, many married couples – they went into dating, engagement, and the first few years of marriage believing they were going to get ‘X’ and eventually they realize they got ‘Y’.  For some couples, this can be shattering, especially when the distance between what I thought I was going to get and what I got and is significant. They had expectations that were met with disappointment.

Now, don’t get me wrong – marriage is definitely a wake-up call.  There’s no other relationship like it – where two people merge to become one.  But that being said, when the expectations going into marriage are so different from what the actual marriage turns out to be – that can be really hard to cope with. Dealing with marital expectation and disappointment is real, and not to be swept under the rug.

For example: Melinda thought she knew what she was getting into.  Chris was just an amazing guy in their dating years.  But after marriage things changed.  He wasn’t taking care of her needs like he used to.  He wasn’t pampering her and showering her with the love and praise like before.  Frankly, she now wonders why she ever allowed herself to marry him.

But Chris is in a similar situation.  Melinda was the woman of his dreams – but now to get her to put a little perfume on from time to time or give him a spontaneous kiss would borderline on miraculous.  This woman who initially reminded him so much of his mother now reminded him of a wicked stepmother.  “Why can’t she make me feel the way she used to make me feel?”, Chris often finds himself asking as he rolls over to sleep at night.

Melinda and Chris – a fictional scenario – but not an abnormal one.  There can oftentimes be a significant gap between what I’m expecting and what I’m getting.

So how do we fix this?  Let’s look at ‘X’ and ‘Y’ from God’s perspective. Does the gap problem between ‘X’ and ‘Y’ diminish or maybe even go away when we correctly understand what ‘X’ is actually supposed to be and why we’ve had the concept all wrong to begin with?  Where we now completely change the framework that we’re working off of – even though our parents, our society, our media, our own preconceptions have told us that ‘X’ is supposed to look like something, but it’s actually supposed to look completely different?

So, for many couples, their expectation going into marriage and still their expectation in marriage, (their ‘X’), is that marriage is going to be:

• A lifetime of adventure where my spouse is right alongside me helping me make memories
• A love that helps me fulfill my dreams of mothering/fathering and growing a home.
• An opportunity for my spouse to show me unconditional love like I’ve never experienced before.
• A relationship where my spouse encourages me to be my best and pursue my dreams

Sound good?  Yeah, unfortunately, it does.  And the world would tell you this defines what marriage is. 

The problem is – God wouldn’t.

Why would I say that?  Because this type of mentality, incredibly pervasive in our society, is rotten (and dare I say even demonic), at its core.  It’s a humanity-based, fulfillment approach that makes you and your pleasure, your dreams, and goals at the center of your life and decision-making processes.  It makes you your god.

Let’s be honest: we live in a selfish generation.  So much of life today is focused around one person: you.  My rights, my direction, my choices.  Me, me, me; I, I, I.  This is humanity, but thankfully, this is not Christianity.

What does the Bible say about what ‘X’ is actually supposed to be – and how we get there?

In Philippians 2:1-11, Paul is saying that life is not about you and your works-based lifestyle – Paul is saying life is about others and a grace-infused Christ-style.  This is what your ‘X’ was supposed to be pre-marriage, and in marriage, and can be in marriage.

Paul talks about Christ-like selflessness as the foundation for unity in the church – a unity that transcends all relationships, especially your marriage. 

Looking for a restored, re-invigorated, re-purposed marriage?  Selflessness is the secret sauce. Selflessness, in a marriage, is the ultimate game-changer. 

Dealing with marital expectations and disappointment? Consider the first step towards a selfless marriage:

Why is Selflessness Possible?  Because of who we are in Christ.

Some couples might say: “Oh, we have nothing in common…we aren’t on the same page in any way – unity is not going to be an option.”  Really? Nothing in common?

I have 1 question for you: Are you Christians?

If the answer to that is “Yes”, then, believe it or not, you have far more that unites you than unsaved marriages have.  How so? Read Philippians 2:1 and then check this out:

• We are united in Christ (“Encouragement in Christ”) This is the word paraklesis.  This is unique in the fact that as Christians we have been given unity in Christ.  We are partakers and heirs of who Christ is.  We have an encouragement that is distinct from the unbelieving world.  Paul looks at this as being a significant impetus towards our selfless unity. Marriages that focus on Christ are united with each other.
• We have comfort based love (“Comfort from love”).  This is akin to being at peace with God.  Think about it for a second – is there anything more settling, is there anything more unifying, than knowing you are at peace with God – that you have comfort because of God’s love? People that meditate on the fact they are at peace with God brings natural peace to a marriage.
• We have fellowship through the Spirit (“Fellowship of the spirit.).  Fellowship (koinonia) is always the result of Spirit-filled living.  It’s what happened to the believers at Pentecost after they were filled with the Spirit – they had fellowship.  People are that Spirit-filled produce marriages and families that are Spirit-filled. Spirit filled believers always produce fellowship.
• We have a Graceful Redeemer.  (“Affection and compassion”).  God the Father through Christ and the Holy Spirit has shown us incredible grace, demonstrated here by two words “affection and compassion”.  We have been blessed with not only acceptance by Christ but also affection.  What a wonderful Savior. People that deeply realize the compassion they have received from Jesus allow that to impact their marriage.

The meditation of these truths and the application of these truths in a marriage brings one into a richness of Christ that results in maturity.  You cannot consistently dwell on and discuss our unity in Christ, our peace with God, our fellowship in the Spirit and the grace of our redeemer without it impacting your spiritual growth.  Our selflessness is not based on the superficial, it’s based on the richness of Christ.

You want to know the number one consistent factor with many couples my wife and I have worked with over the years: one of them is not growing spiritually – they’re not basing their lives off of what they have in Christ.

Married Couples: are you spiritually starving, and trying to make a Christian marriage work?  First things first: rekindle your love for Jesus. Meditate on the truths of Philippians 2:1 (stated above) and what that means for you personally.

Dealing with marital expectations and disappointment? Consider the second step towards a selfless marriage:

HOW is Selflessness Possible?  By being of the same mind.

Philippians 2:2 speaks of being “like-minded”. The Greek word means “think the same way”. “It is repeated throughout the NT, and is not optional or obscure.” (MacArthur).  It is the primary reason why this letter was written, to correct a lack of “same-mindedness” that was impacting two sparing women in the church (see Philippians 4:2-3).  Paul’s solution for those two saints was simple: be of the same mind.

Now, one might think that being of the same mind means sharing the same brain; that we are simply to make sure we’re all thinking the same way, or even better, that you are thinking like me:

• If only my spouse would put their things away like I do…
• If only my spouse would spend less time in front of the TV like I do…
• If only my spouse would stop frivolous spending like I do…

We’ve got ourselves believing that we’re pretty amazing, don’t we?

So this must be what the “same mind” is, right – to make your spouse more like you?  Wrong. This is not what Paul is saying.  Then what is the “like-mind” that Paul is referring to?  Look at Philippians 2:5…

 “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus.” 

Did you catch the significance of that?  Paul is not saying that you are to become an intellectual clone of your spouse to keep the peace. Paul is saying each of us should be endeavoring to have the mind of Christ; to have the selfless, humble attitude of the Lord Jesus Christ.  When you’ve got 2 people whose minds are filled with the selfless, humble attitude of the Lord Jesus, it’s pretty difficult to not have oneness (find yourself struggling with pride in your marriage? Read about that here).

In marriage, like-mindedness is Christ-mindedness.

How much time have you spent trying to make your spouse think like you in order to improve your marriage, compared to how much time you’ve prayed for them to become more like Christ?

Dealing with marital expectations and disappointment? Consider the third step towards a selfless marriage:

WHAT Makes Selflessness Possible? With humility, putting others first.

Now we’re getting to the meat and potatoes.

It’s not just about putting others first – anyone can do that.  This is about forgetting about yourself as you’re putting others first.  It’s a de-escalation of you and your wants and an escalation of others.

“The humble person is not one who thinks meanly of himself; he simply does not think of himself at all.”

Andrew Murray

This is one of the hallmarks of Christianity.  In the marital context it means:

• I am primarily concerned with the spiritual vitality and health of my spouse – I desire for them to draw closer to Jesus
• I am most interested in hearing what my spouse has to say, so I have become quick to hear and slow to speak, as James 1:19 tells us.
• I am conscious of all outside influences that could seek to derail my spouse – I sacrifice things to protect their integrity
• I am committed first to my spouse above every other relationship, so I make sure I’m making time for my spouse during the day and prioritizing time in my calendar.
• I am committed to oneness, so I never allow anything, electronics, finances, hobbies, to create a wedge between my spouse and I.  Everything, except for Jesus, is secondary to my spouse.

These are ways, with humility, that we exemplify putting our spouse first.

When you sacrifice yourself and put your spouse first it requires a tremendous amount of faith – faith that God will take care of your needs and trusting God with the process.  But when you are putting your spouse first and your spouse is putting you first it always works.

Dealing with marital expectations and disappointment? Think carefully through the applications of the secret sauce of selflessness. Begin applying them to your marriage today. Worked through this in your own marriage? Share some thoughts below as to how the Lord helped you.

Scott Foreman is the Executive Pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Mullica Hill, N.J.